2. A Little Lesson in First Grade Feelings

After we went to dinner to celebrate our new baby I felt anxious instead of excited. I knew in my heart that the voicemail I received wasn't a promising one. So, I started to do what anyone does and turned to my trusty friend google (no I never learn from my previous lessons). I started googling "low hCG numbers" and "BETA numbers early in pregnancy" hoping that others had gone through this. Trusty google gave me that shimmer of false hope I was desperately hoping for.

I found that some moms had extremely low hCG levels in the beginning. They all end their posts with a beautiful picture of a drool covered baby saying "now look at my perfect little human!" and "don't worry, numbers are just numbers!"

OKAY! This is not as bad as I had thought!!

I went into work Friday as if nothing was wrong. I put all of my energy into teaching my lessons and loving my 17 students who could always pinpoint when "Mrs. Miska was tired"-

{Side note. (I have found that first graders describe teachers in three main ways:
1. silly (in other-words a good mood)
2. mad (upset with the class for one reason or another)
3. tired (sad, mad, tired, anxious, sick, confused, worried, a feeling that they can't describe but they know is there).}

{First graders have an amazing ability to simplify life. They remind you that your emotions are not well hidden and truly have an impact on everyone around you. If you are happy- it is felt. If you are mad- it is felt. If you are "tired" it is felt. No matter how well adults try to hid their feelings- emotional energy is something that cannot be completely hidden. }

ANYWHOO!

I was excited for the weekend because we had plans all day Saturday and Sunday.
Saturday I was going to get up and head to bloodwork.
Then go to help set up an event for my Education Association.
Then quickly get ready and head to a Kenny Chesney concert with my family.
Sunday wake up, walk to breakfast in town.
Take our dog to the dog park and relax until dinner.

I left work and wished the night away so I could go and get blood drawn (weird for someone who is terrified of needles). My husband and I talked about how my family would know right away that I was pregnant if I wasn't drinking anything at the concert. So we decided we would tell them all at the concert. We talked about how excited they would all be. We talked about how we would tell his family after. We had it all mapped out.

I woke up that morning and basically ran out the door. I gave my blood and drove straight to the education association event. There I helped set up tables and games in preparation for the association. I thought to myself as I set up the tables, "Should I be lifting these tables? Will this hurt the baby in anyway?"I quickly shrugged the idea off and just kept rolling and lifting the 8 person round tables for all the kids to sit at.

After my job was done I ran home and hopped in the shower. As I got out I saw a missed call. I listened to it by myself in the bathroom because I wanted to officially tell my husband the good news and give him his "father to be gift" I had hidden away.

Instead I heard:

"Hi Lauren, I wish we hadn't gotten your voicemail for this message. But your hCG levels reflect that you were pregnant but lost the pregnancy. I am so sorry to have to leave this on your voicemail. Please call us back and tell us when you get your period so we can take more bloodwork. Talk soon."


To be continued.....