12. A LETTER TO MY HUSBAND

(This was given to Will as a "One Year of Parenting Gift"- I asked permission before sharing it.)

Tonight we danced with the boys as we listened to the record player. I sat on the couch at first and watched as you danced Jaxson around in circles and he giggled and looked at you with the purest form of love. He was not feeling well today, but tonight you would have never been able to tell. All I could hear was that adorable giggle of his as you spun him around and around to the songs that played. After I was done taking in the moment I quickly scooped up Mason and we joined in. I spun with Mason and he squealed as we went around. 

I couldn’t help but to think at that moment how lucky we are. We have two sons who are simply amazing. 

Mason, our first born who is so smart it shocks me sometimes. He is curious and at times very untamed. He is you in so many ways. He is determined and stubborn. When he is excited it is written all over his face. He has a smile that could melt even the roughest of hearts. He has also given us a run for our money recently. He is so strong willed that when he doesn’t get his way he is angry and isn't afraid to show it. Either way, stubborn or excited he is his father through and through. I look at him sometimes and I just see a mini you.

Jaxson was a tough newborn. He cried often and spit up even more. But once he was able to move we couldn’t stop him. He has surprisingly become the cuddly child. He often needs time with us and is very content just being face to face and breathing in the moment. He is a true daredevil. He has no fears and often gets in trouble for pulling Mason’s hair or stealing his toys. He is not stubborn like his brother but he knows what he wants and when he wants it. 

These two boys have turned our lives upside down. The first few months were truly a blur. I felt like we were two humans just kind of living together but not really knowing each other. It was hard. When I wasn’t feeding the boys I was pumping or trying to get one of them to sleep. You had trouble bonding with them and you often didn’t know how to help or what to do. 

Yet, as the months moved on I saw these little “things” slowly begin to grow on you. You started to watch as they recognized you. When you would come downstairs, or walk through the door they would smile and giggle because they knew you were their Dad. Now, when you leave in the morning or walk into another room they get upset and try soo hard to be tall enough to look for you. They love you more than you could ever know.

Now that we have made it through the first year with our twins I want you to know a few things.

1. I see how you hate saying goodbye to the boys. In the mornings when you leave for work you have to pull one or both of them off your pant leg. You have to kiss them goodbye and sometimes say, “See you tomorrow. I love you.” because you may not see them before bed. 
2. I see you have come home to visit the boys on your lunch break instead of sitting in the office. On nice days you may even spend your lunch break meeting us at the park to watch them swing or crawl around.
3. I see you learning to parent. You watch how I cut food, or sing songs or do baths. You aren’t shy of the fact that parenting is difficult. You tell me when you are confused or worried about something. Sometimes I can give you an answer to help- other times I ask google and we talk it out together.
4. I see you giving everything to your job so that the boys have the best life. I see how you crunch numbers in your head about food, diapers, formula and daycare. You stay up past midnight most nights working and then wake up and play with the boys in the morning. 
5. I see how you watch each child with the utmost vigilance. You notice when Mason is not using one side of his body as much as the other. You notice when Jaxson takes an extra step. You notice when they don’t eat enough or when they are eating like champs.
6. I see how you notice when I need time to myself. You tell me to go to my barre class or to go out with a friend. You notice when I am getting restless. You rearrange your schedule or ask for help so that I can do what I need to do in order to stay sane. 

I see you. The amazing father and husband you have become. You have grown to love these little humans and it is so clear how much you cherish them. They idolize you already and they look at you as if you are the biggest and best mountain to climb all over. We have created two of the most beautiful children in the world. They have blue eyes and both crazy different hair. They have personality and determination and heart. They are loving and kind while not being afraid to take a fall or two. They are the best of both of us.

I love you more for being the father that you are. You have far surpassed what I could have ever dreamed of for my husband and as a father for our children. I can’t wait to see what year two has in store for us. Either way, we will conquer it together. Love you forever and always. Happy one year of parenting.

Love,

Lauren Eileen